Getting What You Want
Most of us have heard expressions such as, “the Lord helps those who help themselves”, or “talking about it and not doing it are the same thing”. Usually, these comments are an irritant when directed at us personally. But what if you were to consider these statements in relation to your personal life today? As adults we all reach the place where we realize that having ambitions, dreams, education or training does not guarantee happiness. “Want” or “desire” are not all it takes to experience a happier life, more love, financial abundance, good health, constant travel opportunities or other imaginings of the ‘good life’.
Other people seem to be living our dreams. What, precisely, prevents us from achieving what many others appear to gain, effortlessly?
Of course, whenever you want to experience change you need to start by acknowledging that change cannot occur unless YOU are willing to think and do something entirely different from your usual behaviors.
Begin by getting clear about what you really want. When I talk about getting clear, in this presentation, I am referring to the practice of stopping patterns of talking to yourself, thinking about yourself, or others, or deciding the outcome of your plans and desires before you even attempt to achieve them. In other words, you are being challenged to pay attention to the way you use your thinking and self talk to discourage yourself from attempting new behaviors that have the potential of making you a happier more satisfied person.
Wake up! Most people talk themselves out of being successful, all the while complaining they were discouraged by others. Be clear – others cannot influence your decisions unless you decide to give them the authority. This is precisely why you need to pay attention to how you handle the input of others and the pep talks you give yourself.
Everybody talks to himself or herself. “I look a mess”, “I’m going to the show tonight and nothing is going to stop me,” “I am asking that piker for a raise today or quitting my job if I don’t get it”, etc. We all have these self-conversations. However, few of us pay attention to what we are saying and the impact these self-messages have on us. You need to start paying more attention to how you talk to yourself. Take note of your negative messages and the fear-based statements that hold you back without ever allowing you to give yourself a chance to succeed at something you want for yourself.
Do not fall victim to saying things such as, “I know it isn’t apt to happen” or “I know this seems reasonable, but” and other such statements that immediately undermine your commitment to yourself. Use statements such as, “I am”, “I will” “I’m not stopping until…” and other types of messages that confirm to yourself that you are committed and don’t intend stopping until you succeed. It may sound different; however, you can and generally do stop your successes from happening right in the thinking stage before you ever take one deliberate step. Reassess you thinking style in order to poise yourself for success. Always consciously commit to saying encouraging and reinforcing types of statements that you would use with a friend that is trying to create new and good things for themselves. Tell yourself what you wish others would say to you. Remind yourself that if you can conceive it in your mind you can make it happen – one step at a time and with consistency. Refuse to play down your goals or your efforts. Someone else’s opinion is never the determinant of your ability. Remember that.
Get committed! Make change a must. Refuse to consider any seduction to quit – keep using those “I can, I will” messages.
Look carefully at what frightens you or what may be holding you back in any way.
Deliberately commit to finding a new behavior that will get you beyond the place where you are stuck.
Do more research to enable you to get clear about what you need to do in order to achieve.
Solicit help from others- Choose friends, acquaintances or professionals.
Join a like-minded group and decide to ask questions of them and be willing to answer their questions – they may help you identify where you are going wrong or are just missing a step.
*Should someone give you a far-out answer or something that appears to be out of sinc with your thinking, decide to play over their opinion in your mind, regardless. Obviously, the right answer is not the one in your head and by considering a new message, although it may not be the ideal answer, can set you up for finding a solution that better suits your needs. Remember that it is new thinking that creates a new life.
Replace a limiting or destructive habit with a least one new behavior. Again, you cannot create change if you keep on doing things the way you have always been doing things. New thinking is the path toward creating new behavior. That is why the “I can, I will” messages, delivered consciously will affect your life. Your old messages and behaviors have been what has held you back. Therefore, you will want to say the new ones until you grow comfortable with hearing them and experiencing the feeling the new belief bring to you.
Repeat your new behaviors unit they become your new habit.
Refuse to allow the opinions of others to determine your commitment, direction or steady progression.
Keep going until you achieve what you desire. There are no other options. It is your life. Decide consciously and deliberately to make it happen.
Remember too, YOUR HISTORY DOES NOT DETERMINE YOUR FUTURE. Having failed in the past does not determine the way your future endeavors will turn out. Always look for a gentle approach to resolving any holdups in your goals. Sometimes, the habit of ‘toughing it out’ or doing things the hard way make us believe that anything of value to be achieved must be hard won. Not so.
You can decide to forge a new life for yourself and include gentleness and prosperity. It does not matter whatever your history. Your parent’s history does not matter. It is entirely up to you to decide what you want. Just so, is your ability to make it happen. If you change your mind about what can happen for you – you can make it happen to you.
If you find your thinking about quitting, imagine how you life will turn out if you give up on yourself. It will help you keep your resolution to ‘refuse to stop’. Shake off any notions you have of failing. There is no such thing as failure. Every situation allows opportunity for education, inspiration and new insight. Keep an eye on what you are learning and where you are going. Determine and recommit daily to getting there.
BE HONEST. If you are putting out your best effort and find your self-talk consists of negative messages of defeat or failure, STOP! Take an inventory of what you are thinking. Change your mind AT ONCE. Create a list of positive, creative messages that inspire you. Keep it handy and refer to it as soon as you notice you are entertaining the old negative self-defeating messages. Remind yourself that these negative messages are merely bad habits – not truths. Stay in touch with the truth of whose life this is, and who is responsible for making it happen. You need this constant reminder to keep you on track.
What is being offered here is the necessary steps one can take in order to change one’s life. Generally speaking, most people wish for a good life and spend their time hoping that circumstances will change to allow prosperity, good times, joy, love or whatever they desire. That just is not the way of the universe. Each person’s willingness to attempt new behaviors and thinking in order to create a better life is predicated on one’s willingness to assume responsibility for making a good life happen. Although there is much over which we have no control, there is also much that each person can do to exercise change in their life. It is not always easy, although it is simple.
In most instances, it can appear impossible, or at least extremely difficult, because of the lack of Self-confidence and not because the situation is beyond one’s ability. The difficulty lies in believing it is beyond their ability.
Certainly, it can be fearful to experience new things without a notion of the outcome. However, looking beyond the fear and stepping out in an effort to create a better outcome is the only way a better life has a chance of developing. COMMIT TO BEING COURAGEOUS.
If you feel as though you will never make it to where your goals are set to, imagine yourself with everything that you have ever wanted from life. Now this may seem foolish or insignificant, let me remind you that for the most part, this is where people with desires, dreams, ambitions and hopes simply back-down and quit. Fearing failure, humiliation of defeat, financial loss, or whatever fearful outcome they nurture, each person eventually comes to the belief that the imagined negative outcome is inevitable. The fear factor remains unchallenged and the goal abandoned before the first step is ever taken.
If fear holds you back from what you need to do, practice what you want to say or do in a safe environment. Ask a family member or work with a friend to establish a familiarity with what you must initiate for the first time. Stand in front of a mirror and say whatever you have difficulty saying to others. Do it until you feel comfortable. Then proceed to go forward. Refuse to entertain images of negative outcomes. Those images only serve to feed your fear and weaken your commitment. If you do not use your courage you will lose it. Start where you are. Simply do as much as you can and do as much as you can with consistency. Once things become familiar to you, it is simpler to take the next inevitable step.
Pay attention to each practice and to each experienced progression. Reward yourself often and consistently. Take the time to look in the mirror and continue to tell yourself, “You are the best”, “You go girl/mister!”, “I knew I could do this”, and any other reinforcing statement that supports your efforts and abilities.
This is the place where most motivational instructors, including ministers, teachers, professional motivators, psychotherapists, etc. seek to bring an individual. From this place of understanding the necessity of being consciously aware of what holds you back, progress develops. Acknowledging new options, in order to move out of the current circumstances, sets the stage for greater personal gain. However, unless willing to commit and to making a concerted effort to execute change, it will not happen.
Primarily, this is the place of ownership of self-development. Recognizing what is truly troubling to you, and understanding that your behaviors and thinking in relation to your problems is what holds you there, is crucial to determining whether you are willing to seek the changes that will change the outcome. It all lies with you.
From this place, expanding one’s ability to use self-talk and reinforcing rewards becomes crucial to desired success. It may sound corny or lame to be one’s own cheering-section or to buy oneself a reward for a job well done. However, unless an individual is prepared to do just that, they will find it nearly impossible to remain realistic in relation to the progress they are making or the conscious need for developing and executing success-oriented plans.
Without a background of practice, it is difficult to realize how reinforcement pumps up those emotional muscles that bring a person to the point of recognizing their personal courage and competence. Consistency in the practice of new behaviors also aids the development of consciousness of the NOW. Deciding for this moment erases the blind allegiance to old thinking and old patterns of behavior. It becomes possible to identify your immediate abilities, needs, and challenges.
Old thinking and old habits rule our everyday lives. New thinking and new behaviors are required to change all that. It is vital that every effort be made to avoid trivializing efforts or outcome. Neither should one allow others to do detract you from your goals because of their ridicule or lack of belief.
In the decision to get conscious, in order to change the form and style of your current life, it is prudent to commit to at least one new behavior each day. Whether it is in walking instead of driving, trying a new food, eating in a different restaurant, going somewhere alone, asking for a raise, loan, date, job, or expensive gift – go for it. It is not in the choice. Remember, if you thought of it, it is probably important. In the doing, need decreases, competence increases and self-trust, self-esteem and self-confidence expand.
From there, you can learn a new language, go into business for yourself, travel, expand your education and professional options or do whatever else appeals to you.
Once you realize that you can do something different and that you will plan how to do what you want and persist until you achieve whatever you desire. It truly is all in your head!