Hansel And Gretel And The Pedophile
Once upon a time there lived a very poor Wal-Mart greeter who lived in a very small apartment in the ghetto with his two children, Hansel and Gretel. Since he was always working to feed his children and because he was so poor, the children were always left home alone with no one but each other. Naturally, the children were very mischievous and got into plenty of trouble. Every night the father would come home to news of what his children had done due to their playful curiosity and every night the father had a long talk with them.
“Children, if you keep getting into trouble, one day you will find yourselves in too deep and may get hurt.”
One day, Hansel was bored and had an idea that was sure to free him of his boredom. He explained the idea to his sister,
“Let’s see how far we can get away from home and come back before father returns.”
“I bet we could go at least 10 blocks” she said with much excitement.
“We may even find a lost land with huge castles and dragons to fight” Hansel said as he stood up and pretended to fight with a sword.
“We could see princesses and queens and wear big dresses” Gretel shrieked.
They planned his idea together and they agreed to try it the next day.
The morning came and when their father left the house for work, they, too, were on their way out. Neither of them had ever been farther than a stone’s throw away from home before, so this, for them, would be an epic adventure.
They headed out in a random and agreed upon direction marking every turn they made with a chalk arrow on the sidewalk pointing in the direction they came from. What Hansel didn’t know was that it was Tuesday and the street cleaners come on Tuesdays.
As they continued with their journey, they noticed that the houses became bigger, the cars nicer, and the people cleaner. They became very excited and soon forgot to mark the concrete as they ran to see every little thing. They soon found themselves in an area where “castles” lined up side by side and “king’s chariots” shone brilliantly in the sun.
They came upon a house that was huge. It had rollercoaster rides and animals, but no one was riding the rides and no one was playing with the animals. They wondered why and decided to ask the owner. As they walked up the driveway Gretel noticed the name on the mail box was “Jefferson.” They rang the door bell and a tall man answered the door. His skin was so pale it made clouds on a beautiful blue day look like rain clouds. His hair was as black as coal, his nose looked like it was cut off in an accident and he had a large mustache as black as his hair. The children were shocked at the appearance of this man, but Gretel managed to ask him if he was Mr. Jefferson.
“Why yes I am young boy” He said as he picked up Hansel, “and who might you be?”
“Ahem” Gretel coughed, “I am Gretel. He is Hansel.”
“Hansel, huh? What a cute name for such a cute boy” He said swinging Hansel through the air.
“Could you put me down, sir, or I’ll puke on you.”
“Well we wouldn’t want that.”
He put Hansel down and Hansel ran and bent over the bushes and began to lose his lunch.
“We came to ask you a question Mr. Jefferson.”
“O, would you look at that boy…Excuse me? A question?” He said as his mustache was falling off and he quickly adjusted it, “Let’s discuss this over some dinner. I know the perfect thing that will put his little tummy at ease. Please, come inside.”
As soon as Hansel was finished he asked his sister,
“Why is he so ugly?”
“Be respectful” she snapped after slapping him, “I think he’s a burn victim.”
They walked inside and saw how huge his house was. The ceiling was as tall their apartment building and the glass chandelier shone brilliantly with the light.
“Are you a king?” Gretel asked
“Why yes I am” Mr. Jefferson replied. He then spun around and did a little dance where it looked like he was walking forward but was actually walking backward, “I am ‘The King of Pop.’”
“WOW! How do you do that?!” Hansel exclaimed.
“I’ll teach you after dinner. Let’s go into the kitchen. I’ll make you some Mac n’ Cheese.”
They sat down at the counter in the kitchen and watched Mr. Jefferson prepare dinner.
“What is your first name Mr. Jefferson? You know ours.” Gretel asked
“Michael. Michael Jack…Jefferson. Yes. Michael Jefferson. But, please, call me Mr. Jefferson.”
He put the pot under the faucet and Gretel noticed that Mr. Jefferson pulled something from the spice cabinet that didn’t look like a spice she’d ever seen before. It was in an orange see-through bottle with a white cap and a white label on the front. She knew he was up to no good since she already knew how to make Mac n’ Cheese and everything needed came in the box.
“What is that?” she asked making sure her brother took notice, too.
“O? What? This?” Mr. Jefferson paused, “This… This is a… This is a special spice that I add to Mac n’ Cheese. Yes, that’s it. A spice to make it the best in the world. You see, that’s why I have a big house. I enter my recipe in contests and I always win, you see” He adjusted his mustache before it fell off again.
Hansel and Gretel exchanged glances and she leaned in to him to say something but Mr. Jefferson squeezed in between them and began to set the table. Gretel almost fell out of her seat with the shove Mr. Jefferson gave her.
“Excuse me” she said with a bit of annoyance and anguish in her voice.
“O, I’m sorry. I just want to sit between you two wonderful kids” He said while looking at Hansel, “Look, the water is boiling. Time to put the noodles in.”
As he went over to the stove, the children followed right behind him.
“It’s time to put something in!” Hansel shouted as they picked up Mr. Jefferson’s legs and made him fall face first into the boiling pot of water.
“This spice is called ‘Date Rape’” Gretel said after picking the bottle from his pocket. Mr. Jefferson squirmed around a bit before pulling his face from the pot screaming,
“I’M MELTING. MY FACE IS MELTING. I SPENT MILLIONS ON THIS FACE AND IT’S MELTING AWAY!”
The children screamed at the horrific sight of his melting face and tried to run outside but were immediately lost in the enormous house. They ran in circles at first as Mr. Jefferson chased them. They soon found their way outside to the animals and the rides. They jumped on an elephant and rode it through Mr. Jefferson’s gate.
The neighbors heard the noise and called the cops thinking Mr. Jefferson was doing bad things again. The cops arrived on the scene as soon as Hansel and Gretel dismounted from the elephant. They apprehended Mr. Jefferson and told the children who he really was. After everything was in order, a police officer offered to give the children a ride back to their home. They enthusiastically accepted because their father was going to be home very soon and they would not be back in time if they walked.
Their father got home as soon as the police man turned the corner to drive away after dropping them off. They ran up to their father and jumped into his arms and gave him a big hug,
“What trouble have you got into now that you are trying to put me in a good mood before I hear about it?”
“We are just so happy to see you and we promise to be good from now on” Gretel said almost crying.
“We love you, dad” Hansel said already crying before his sister.
They finished their hug and went inside and told their father everything that happened to them that day. He was not mad, just happy that his kids were not hurt and being honest with him. After that day, the two children never got into trouble again and they lived happily ever after.